Letting Go of Shame

It’s not like you can just flip a switch and have the shame you feel go away. Gosh, I wish it were that easy!!  The fact is though that shame can hold us back from doing the things we want to do.  We have that dream in our heart or that desire in our soul and we just don’t move because we feel so ashamed of how we got to our current position.

The thing you need to remember is that who you are today does not define who your future self is going to be.  Who you are today does not need to be the way you are forever!  You get to choose.  So why is it so hard to stop feeling shame and start moving in the direction we want to go?

Dr. John Deloney talks about carrying around shame like it's a backpack of bricks.  Every time something happens we just add a brick to the backpack.  We are carrying around this metaphorical brick backpack and the weight of it feels VERY real and VERY heavy.  John says - you have to put down the bag.  You cannot continue to carry this weight with you everywhere you go because you cannot get ahead, change your life or become the person you dream of becoming with this heavy backpack on. 

I carried shame with me for a long time around finances.  I did not grow up with really great tools or education around money and so I fell into the trap that most people do.  I opened credit cards at 18, never had a real budget and spent all my money when I got it.  After that was spent, if I wanted something I just put it on the credit card.  I graduated college with 25k worth of student loans and oh, I did it again for my master’s degree.  All along the way I desired to have more money.  When I met my husband he was SO good with money.  It made me feel even more shame and wrack up even more debt to try to keep up with the way he was living.  This saga continued for YEARS.

I never felt good enough and I never felt like I made enough money.  Even when I did get promotions and made more money it still wasn’t enough.  In grad school, I had to do this exercise of evaluating the various “rooms” of our “house” meaning things like finances, relationships and spirituality.  I remember very clearly writing what my financial house felt like and what I wanted to do - save 10k.  That was 2013.  I looked at that again several years later and I still hadn’t done it. 

It wasn’t until somewhere around 2018 or 2019 when I finally broke.  I finally put down my bag of shame around money and did something about it.  My hope for you today is that if you are feeling shameful that I can help you release that shame before it gets to a total breakdown.  I hope that I can give you some tools to help you move in the direction of putting down your brick backpack and changing your life.

Here are some things that I believe helped me:

• Remember, you are completely normal and you are not alone
• Learn more about the topic you are feeling the shame about
• Take action
• Get a professional in your court
• Journal
• Scream, cry, punch something
• Be kind to yourself 
• Gratitude practice

You are completely normal!!  Whatever it is that you are feeling shameful about - whether it’s finances, weight, something relational or anything else - I can guarantee that there are other people feeling the same way as you and a million people that have walked through that same shame you have and came out on the other side.  I felt so much shame for something that I realize now was the way many Americans live because they also did not get educated around money.  I realize now that my situation, while not great, was not as bad as so many other people.  I realize now that by not facing the very thing that I was feeling so much shame about, I was making the problem worse.  Your situation feels absolutely horrible to you - it feels like the weight of the world - but oftentimes it feels SO much worse to us than it actually is.  We just need to face it.

The way that I faced it was by looking for books on the topic.  Luckily I heard the name “Dave Ramsey” before so when I found his book on audible I immediately downloaded it.  The way that I face almost any challenge is to learn more about it and usually the first place I turn is books.  You can go to your local library to make it a free option!  I also listen to podcasts about the topic.  I usually try to go deep with one professional at a time so that I don’t get overwhelmed with potentially conflicting information.  So I went Dave Ramsey crazy and listened to his podcast non-stop.  I also listened to the book about 3 times and then bought other books that he recommended so I knew I would get consistent information.  The important thing about the learning phase is that you educate yourself, not overwhelm yourself.  You don’t need to pay tons of money to get educated, but do find someone who you can relate to and feel comfortable with and learn everything they’ve got to teach about the subject.  It will make you feel so much better and so much more confident if you walk into a problem with knowledge on the subject.  

Armed with knowledge, you must now take action!!  After I listened to the book “Total Money Makeover,” I immediately turned around and paid off my student loan.  That might not be possible for everyone, but I had enough money saved to cover the student loan.  Please know that this was TERRIFYING.  I had worked my butt off up to this point to save up some money in case of emergency and I now was turning around and taking the majority of that money to pay off my loans.  I was scared and I did it anyway - because I believed deeply that this was the way to my freedom.  I downloaded the EveryDollar budgeting app and created a budget.  I started tracking all my spending.  I literally did everything the book said to do.  By taking action, slowly I started to put down my bricks of shame.  I started to feel confident with money for the first time in my entire life.  Please understand this very important point - the key to your success in setting down your brick backpack of shame is taking action.  You cannot bury your head in the sand any longer.  Shame does not get to control you anymore.   

Depending on your specific situation, you may need to get professional help.  You may need a therapist or a coach to help guide you through the situation.  You might need both.  A therapist can help with the deep emotional parts of carrying shame and a coach can walk you through the practical steps you need to take to get through the problem - whether it's finances, health or a romantic relationship, there are coaches to help guide you.  Don’t shy away from this step.  Having someone who is trusted and has walked the path ahead of you is such a powerful tool.  You might not be ready to set down your brick backpack yet, but you might be able to let someone carry it a little while for you until you are ready to put it down completely. 

Another way to work through the emotions of shame is to journal.  Journaling is safe place to let it all out.  No one ever needs to see this.  This is just a place for you to write how you feel, what you are thinking and doing and everything in between.  I have the best revelations when I am journaling and when I am done there is a sense of peace that I am no longer carrying all of those emotions and thoughts inside of me.  

Speaking of no longer carrying the thoughts and emotions with me… scream. Cry. Punch something (safely).  You have every right to be upset.  Some of our shame just comes from years and years of shoving down our emotions.  Years and years of carrying this brick backpack around with us.  So it's okay to yell until you have nothing left in you.  It's okay to cry until you have nothing left in you.  It’s okay to punch a pillow, couch or punching bag until you are exhausted.  It’s okay to do all three.  When we keep our emotions trapped inside us, it doesn't allow us to think clearly.  It literally feels like a weight on your chest.  And that is the vibration that you will bring into your everyday life - a low energy, low vibration.  Release it, sister.  You will feel so much better.

Another thing - please be kind to yourself!  If you find yourself hurling insults at yourself - just stop.  This isn’t serving anyone and especially not you!  When you catch yourself being not nice, try saying something nice to yourself instead.  Just flip the script.  We beat ourselves up enough and frankly, we need to stop (this is going to be a lifelong goal of mine, I think).   

And last but not least, this one sneaks into a lot of my blog posts and reels on social, start a gratitude practice.  It is really simple!  Every morning when you wake up, write down 5 things you are grateful for.  This will help to train your mind to be on the look out for reasons to be grateful every single day!  It will also help you to be kinder to yourself as we talked about above.  This is a very powerful practice!

I know there were a lot of things in here to help you set down your shame.  You don’t need to do them all at once.  I certainly did not!  These are all powerful tools that I learned along my journey and I incorporate them into my life.  It is important to note, putting down shame is more like shedding layers.  To use the brick backpack analogy, it will be more like taking one brick out at a time. Overtime, it does get easier.  It does start to feel lighter and you will notice less shame!  Just remember, your life is not defined by how you were raised or how you are living now.  Your life is defined by the action you take from here forward.  Your life can be whatever you want it to be.  Set down your backpack and soar!  You’ve got this, sister! <3