Why is Change SO Hard?

So picture this: you work in an office with about 100 employees.  The parking lot has craters and pot holes and is generally uneven making it a giant puddle any time it rains, not to mention the fact that you need to dodge the holes.  There is not actually enough parking for all the employees so if you come in late you need to park in the visitor spots.  Employees are complaining about the parking lot regularly.  Finally, the money is available to have the parking lot not only re-done but expanded.  “HALLELUJAH” you think! Oh, wait, no.  The employees are mad because they have to park down the road while the parking lot is being expanded and paved.

Wait!? What just happened!?  People were attached to parking close by and walking into work a minute later.  They might have complained daily about the lack of parking and quality of the lot but their brain completely skipped over the inconvenience that would inevitably need to occur in order for the beautiful change to appear.  Change, my friend, is not easy.  Change is not a snap of the fingers.  And yet, as Heraclitus said, “change is the only constant in life.” 

Change is always a damn process.  For example, have you ever tried to lose weight?  It’s hard AF.  Have you ever gone to get rid of something you never used but you had for years and you can’t bring yourself to do it?  Several years ago I went to a conference and one of the Keynote speakers was Cy Wakeman.  She said that the reason that change is hard, is not the change itself, it is the attachment to what was.  So, when you used to be able to sit on the couch and eat chips?  That was EASIER than losing weight. You are attached to the couch life.  That item you can’t throw away?  You are attached to the item for what it USED TO mean to you.  Cy shared the following quote: “Get fluent but not attached.  Attachment, not change creates suffering.”  This is an advanced concept, but it makes so much sense when you really reflect on it. 

It is really super normal for this to happen to us humans.  We like to be comfortable and safe.  Our brains are wired to keep us comfortable and safe – literally – so when something changes the brain is like WHOA!  HUNKER DOWN!  However, we then need to use another part of our brain to process if this change is a real threat or not and proceed with that in mind.  If the change really was a boulder rolling your way, you will be thankful for this protection from the brain.  But if it is just having to alter your commute to work by a few minutes, yes, that is inconvenient but not life threatening.  Us humans really like routine.  It helps us in so many ways.  But life always happens. ALWAYS!  Nothing can stay exactly the same forever.  Normally I would avoid the always and never words but in this case I am confident.

Now that I have set the stage for change and how we generally handle it, what is actually the best way to handle it?  How can I get better at handling change?  I am so glad you asked!!  Below are my best tips for beginning to allow change regularly as a normal part of life.

1.Accept change as a constant reality – okay this is easier said than done.  However, the quicker you can take change as a constant in your life the easier it will be when the big changes come along.  Let’s not waste our time fighting the inevitable! If instead, when change occurs we say “okay, change.  I see you. Thank you for being here.” we can begin to change our whole mindset around change.  And yes, this is a mindset shift which means it will take time. 

2. Start thinking of the smallest things as change – This one is a continuation of the last one; a more specific tip for how to start changing your mindset.  Instead of thinking of change as these huge things that happen to us, let's start thinking about the smallest things as change.  The more you can recognize just how often change is occurring in your everyday life, the easier the bigger things feel when they happen.  I can tell you from experience that when I started dating my husband, I was not used to the constant changes in schedule that would occur because he is a firefighter.  It was really hard on me for a long time to accept the constant change that comes with “I have to go” and “I got ordered for today.”  It wasn’t until I started to do the work on myself and change my mindset that I became way more accepting of his constant schedule changes. Remember, everything is change.  Moving your body from sit to stand is change.  Going from silence to listening to music is change.  Day to night is change.  Start observing the seemingly small and insignificant changes in life that we often take for granted.

3. How is this happening for me? – When change is happening, ask yourself how is this happening for me?  I don’t remember exactly who said these words but they are common in thought leaders presentations and books because it is so powerful.  I remember Rachel Hollis talking about this concept in one of her books that it is it not that “everything happens for a reason” but there can be meaning inside of the hardest situations.  So if you are in a particularly hard situation, can you pause and ask yourself this question?  How is this happening for me?  What are some positive things you can take from this change.  I know that when I am in a particularly hard time of life, I purposefully steal quiet time away to journal and reflect and this allows me the space to find meaning in this crappy situation. 

4. Think back to 5 years ago what has changed? – take some time to reflect.  What has changed in 5 years?  I have to imagine it’s a lot.  I mean 5 years ago I didn’t have chickens and now I have a bunch of them.  5 years ago I wasn’t a runner and now I run regularly and even ran a dang marathon!  You might have kids now but didn’t 5 years ago. You might be in a new job or even your first professional job.  You might now be married or divorced.  SO MUCH change is happening regularly.  The best thing we can do is take time to reflect on that change and see just how far we have come!!  And if for some reason you don’t like the way things changed over the last 5 years, being mindful of it is the first step.  The next step is creating a goal and starting to move in the direction you want to go.  The nice thing about constant change is we can decide to change whenever we want!

5. Take accountability for your life and stop blaming other people – YALL!  You have control over your emotions and your actions.  It is not someone else’s fault.  No one made you feel a certain way.  Your boss’s new rule?  You have control over how you handle it.  Please hear me – you are allowed to and you should feel all your feelings.  You just need to express these in a healthy way.  And it may be beneficial to step away from the moment that you feel triggered in and privately go yell or scream or cry or punch a pillow BEFORE you start complaining or blaming someone else for how you feel.  I get it!!  Oh, trust me, I get it.  But it is time we start taking responsibility for our lives and that starts with us taking ownership over our emotions and actions.  I have a whole blog post on this topic – check it out here!

6. Ground yourself in the present moment – if you are feeling overwhelmed, triggered, scared, uncertain or anything in between, take a moment to pause and be present.  Shut down distractions and focus on your breathing.  Allow yourself to be present in the exact moment you are in.  If you can do this outside that is even better because nature just has a way of calming us down and speaking to our soul!  Allow your thoughts to come and go and stay focused on your breath.  Stay there are long as you can but at least 5 minutes.  Usually in these moments we can find gratitude for where we are and what we are experiencing followed by clarity of what next step to take.  We only need to know our next step, we don’t need to see the whole path.

Life is a series of ever changing circumstances.  This is a fact.  In order to grow, we must go through change – growth requires change and the more we go through it the more we get used to how that feels.  I won’t say it gets easier but your mind does become stronger and as a result you are able to handle change like a pro.  And even more than that, you will seek out change, you will seek out the uncomfortable, knowing that this will shape you into the human being you want to become.

Keep on going my friend, you've got this! <3