How to Set Boundaries

If there is one major deficit in the world, I would argue that the ability to set boundaries is one of them.  Time and time again I hear stories of people who are feeling exhausted and after deeper conversation I learn that they are trying to be really nice to everyone and not hurt anyone’s feelings and as a result they are being taken advantage of.

Important to note:  Setting boundaries is not mean!!!  Most people (the non-toxic ones) are very respectful of your boundary.  

Another important note: Most people are not actually trying to take advantage of your kindness, they just simply are not realizing the negative effect on YOU with their consistent requests, or showing up unannounced or whatever the thing may be.

Let’s talk about what some violations of your boundaries might look like.

1. A person comes to your house unannounced regularly
2. A person calls you often when you are at work
3. A person expects that you will pick them up at work every time it snows
4. A person expects since they birthed you (or insert the thing they did for you here) that you will take care of them financially
5. A person expects that every time you go out you will pay because you have a better paying job
6. A person texts you consistently in the overnight hours when you are trying to sleep
7. A co-worker continually tries to talk to you throughout the day about non-work items or about problems they are having related to work but this causes you to not be able to get your priorities done.
8. Your kids expect you to babysit your grandbabies everytime they go out.
9. A person is asking you questions about one of your friends that you are not comfortable sharing

I mean the list could go on & on.  How do you know if your boundaries are being violated?  It’s a feeling, really.  If you are starting to resent that friendship you have, that might be a sign.  If you are feeling agitated or irritated every time that person calls you, that might be a sign.  If you just feel exhausted and run down and like you have nothing left to give yourself, that might be a sign.

Listen, as humans, we tend to only think about ourselves and our point of view.  Because of this people may not realize they are hurting you with their regular requests.  A lot of times people who have boundaries being violated are fearful “but how will they live if we don’t give them money?” “but how will they get home if I don’t pick them up?”  “they will be mad if I say no.”  I can promise you that setting a boundary is only going to increase respect.  Unless the person is truly toxic, they probably honestly don’t know how much they are burning you out.

The people who are relying on you are using you as a crutch.  When they no longer have you as a crutch, they will find another way.  They might need to apply for assistance to pay their bills, they might need to learn how to budget, they might need to take an UBER home and they might need to call someone else in the middle of the day or wait until you get out of work.  There are always other options and I assure you when you set your boundary, they will find another option.  If the person you are helping might genuinely be in danger without your help, I would suggest you help them in a more significant way, rather than limping them along.  So if it is a financial situation, maybe pay for them to take my get out of debt course.  This way they learn the money skills they need to change their life instead of relying on you to make up their deficit.  If they truly have no food, help them with applying for food stamps.  And make sure they understand that when the food stamps come through you will no longer be assisting them with groceries.  You can help people to help themselves rather than being a crutch that they can never get rid of!

So how do you actually set the boundary?  

There is only one way, my friends, and that is through conversation.  You have to actually talk to the person and set your boundary.  Try your very best not to do this when you are feeling triggered.  It might seem like the easiest time because you can just blurt it out because you are so mad!  BUT this is when it can lead to hurt feelings, not because of what you said, but how you said it.  When you are setting boundaries, you want to do so with tact whenever possible.

Let me be real with you, I have not always been the best at waiting until I am not triggered to set the boundary.  I am one of those people I feel the fire and I speak my mind.  I am working on that as well, so I am with you!

When you are calm just ask the person if you can talk.  Kindly and politely explain how you are feeling and because of that you can no longer XYZ.  So it might sound something like this: I am feeling very overwhelmed and because of this I can no longer pick you up from work; you will need to find alternate transportation starting in two weeks.  Or this: I am exhausted because my sleep is being interrupted regularly from your text messages and because of this I need to ask that you do not text me between the hours of 9pm and 6am.  Be specific whenever possible so that there is nothing left to interpretation.  Please notice, this boundary is set in one sentence!  It doesn’t need to be a whole conversation and it should not be a negotiation!  You are setting a firm boundary.  Make sure you know exactly what you are going to say before you go into the conversation.  You may even practice it in your mirror so that you can feel really prepared and confident going into the conversation.

More than likely you will have a person who is understanding and apologetic, but you may have someone who becomes angry or upset.  They may try to guilt trip you.  No matter what, stick to your boundary.  Empathize with them and tell them their feelings are valid AND your boundary remains.  If you are dealing with a truly toxic person they will not respect your boundary no matter what.  This is truly a very difficult situation and this is where you need to decide if that person is worthy of being in your life at all.  This can be especially tough when dealing with family because sometimes you just can’t properly get away from a toxic family member.  Get some strong people in your corner to help you work through these tough situations.  Having a circle of uplifting people will help you to properly handle a toxic situation.  The fact remains, that you are worthy of a peaceful and joyful life without toxicity. 

I can honestly say in my own life and in people where I have assisted with setting boundaries, I have rarely if ever seen a person who wasn’t responsive to the boundary.  This doesn’t mean that the receiver of the boundary will not test the boundary again!!!  I have had this happen to me, and I just reiterate “I’m sorry, I want to help you but I cannot and will not do XYZ.  Is there another way I can help you?”  

Boundaries that are done properly will just make your life so much more peaceful.  Once a boundary is set you will feel free!  A weight will be lifted off your shoulders.  I know that it can seem daunting to have to have a conversation with someone you truly do care about, but I promise you, your fear is way worse than the conversation will actually be. Live Free my friend!!

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