Setting Down Your Ego

I’m going to make a bold statement: the number one reason why there are so many crappy leaders is because there are so many people who are not willing to set their ego aside.  There are too many people who need to protect themself from looking like they don’t know enough or aren’t good enough and as such the people under them and the companies they run fail to flourish.  There are people who really believe that a leader is just telling other people what to do and that by having an elevated title people should/will automatically respect you.  NEWS FLASH: this is NOT how it works.

Now that I've said what I said, let me break this down a bit for you so you know where I coming from.  A quick google search gives us the definition of ego: “a person's sense of self-esteem or self-importance.”  So many people tie up their identity and their worth with their title and how much they know or in “being right.”  I am willing to bet that most of us can think of a boss or even a colleague (or even ourselves! Gasp!) who was so tied up in being right that even when all the facts were presented to them to show they were in fact wrong, they couldn’t admit it.  It was “I never said that” for a response while everyone else looks at each other dumbfounded. 

This article is going to do two things: 

1. Show you how to be a good leader and put your ego aside.
2. Help you to deal with an egotistical boss.

So let’s start with you.  Chances are, if you are here, you like to learn and grow and probably don’t have much of your ego getting in the way, but just in case I want to share some ways you can be more aware.  First, you must be willing to grow.  This is not the sense of growth that most people think - like going to get the next promotion or making more money.  No, this is about your personal and spiritual growth.  You may need to do things like go to therapy, read books on leadership or personal growth, get a coach or see a holistic practitioner.  My journey has involved all of that and more.  I started years ago and I have never stopped learning.  This is what I attribute most of my success to (and hard work). I've always wanted to learn and thought I wanted to be a forever college student just so I could keep learning, but what I realized is that I can be a forever student without ever having to go back to college.

The next thing you must be willing to do is admit your mistakes.  For the love of all things good - please acknowledge that you are not perfect.  And your lack of perfection means that you WILL make mistakes.  In addition, admitting your mistakes to the people you work with will not cause brain damage - you will not actually die.  As a matter of fact, you will actually gain MORE respect for admitting a mistake than you ever will pretending you didn't make one.  Even if you don’t remember doing the mistake or making the wrong decision, you, as the leader, can take ownership for that mistake.  If you haven’t seen my blog article on extreme ownership, definitely go check that out. 

You must be willing to not be the smartest person in the room and be willing to ask for help.  One of the keys to anyone's success is going to be having lots of other people who are smarter than you, or further along on the journey than you, advising and helping you.  Have you ever heard the old parenting adage “it takes a village?”  Well, that is true in every freaking aspect of life.  If not for my friends, trusted colleagues, my work team, books, influencers and practitioners I would not be who I am today.  I will not pretend that I could be where I am today if not for the help of others.  So let it be okay that you aren’t the smartest and the brightest.  And even if you think you are, being willing to do the next thing: listen.

You must be willing to listen.  Everyone has an opinion and probably valid points.  Your team, if you have hired well, wants the best for the company and likely has really good ideas for growth and change.  Be willing to listen to them and take their information and opinions into consideration.  If you aren’t trying to be the smartest person in the room, listening should come pretty natural.

I think most people when they think of an egotistical boss, think of the one that is super cocky and is just a know it all.  Their way or the highway.  But what about the much more subtle signs?  Maybe you have a boss that never speaks up or never makes a decision? Maybe you have a boss that doesn’t believe in growth, in the truest sense, because everything is "going good" so why change?  Or things aren’t going great but they don’t have the ability or willingness to ask for help or address the problems?  All of these are signs that a leader is struggling with ego.  When a person does not have the ability to stand firm, to ask for help or to lean into hard situations with a curious mind, this is a sign of their ego.

Why is that?  Because they are trying to protect themself.  To them, if they ask for help it is admitting weakness.  If they make a decision and they upset someone they don’t have the emotional capacity to handle that.  Think of them like a little child, they truly do not have the ability to process emotions and difficult situations.  Where a child may display behavioral challenges or scream and cry as a way to process what they are feeling, adults have to find different way to handle it - and this is what we see with either the “I know it all” behavior or the “I avoid it all" behavior.

This is why it is wildly important to do the work on yourself.  Learn to process emotions.  You can have any emotion you have, and you should, but how do you allow those emotions to present and move through you?  Stuffing them down is how we end up with all these different behaviors in an attempt to cover up their self-perceived weaknesses.  The ironic part about all this, is while this person thinks they are covering up their weakness and appearing like a good leader, instead, everyone around them sees right through it.  Everyone around them sees that they are not being a good leader.  This is important for you to know as you start into leadership - if you are not openly admitting your faults and weaknesses, people are still going to see them.  So instead, be open to that and be open with your team.  Be willing to say “I don’t have all the answers” or “I don’t know.”  Be willing to say “I messed up” or “I need help.”  These statements are how you will build necessary trust and respect among your team members. 

Ultimately, a person who can do all these things, do work on herself, admit mistakes, ask for help, and be willing to listen is going to be the strongest person in the room.  They are naturally going to rise to the top or they will find a place where they can.  

So the million dollar question, how do you deal with an egotistical boss?  Here is the thing you don't want to hear - you cannot change a person.  Even with all the best intentions and all the good vibes and all the prayer, a person only changes when THEY want to.  Trust me, I’ve tried!! 

Can you imagine what life would be like if you could change a person?  That would be quite wild!

Anyway, I digress.  There is little you can do to change your boss, but I do believe in open and honest conversation - so I would start gently with them.  Maybe bring a scenario to their attention and explain to them how you feel about it and see if they are open to a more vulnerable conversation with you one on one.  You might mention a book you are reading or a training you are taking in hopes that they might also have interest in that book or training.  All you can do is be the best version of you and lead by example.  Yes, you can lead your leader.  Please know, this is extremely hard.  Having these types of conversations with your boss are difficult, and may not stay confidential.  I have found that most bosses that are struggling with ego are also very big into gossiping.  This can put you in a crappy situation and it can be very uncomfortable, but your willingness to do it shows how strong you are.  It shows how capable you are.  There is nothing comfortable about growth.

I am going to share with you a personal story because I think it is important that I lead by example and share with you that I have done what I am asking you to do.  I was working at a place where I knew in my heart of hearts it was not for me.  The gossip and lies and politics that existed were very much against my personal values.  After several months of this job, I asked to meet with my boss and I told her very honestly that I was unhappy and going to be looking for a new job.   Talk about uncomfortable!  Never in my life could I imagine a world where I would tell my boss I didn't like working there.  Anyway, she acted very surprised and then asked that I don't share this with the others because she didn't want the team dynamic to change.  I agreed.  Well, come to find out she, the very same day she asked me not to say anything, told everyone!  It was a couple of months later I was finally able to escape that place, but it was a short lived job that also had the biggest impact on me.  It taught me who I am as a person, it reinforced my personal values, it reminded me who I want to be as a leader.  It showed me I can do hard things and have hard conversations.  The one thing that I did not do at that job is what I am about to share with you.

Another option that I hesitate to even write but I am going to take the chance, if your boss has a boss you might try talking to them.  The reason I hesitate to put this out there is because if your boss’s boss is allowing the behavior, it is fairly unlikely that you are going to get anywhere by talking to them.  I want to be clear, this tactic is rarely helpful.  However, if your boss’s boss is an emotionally intelligent leader, AKA they are not tied up in their own ego, you might have success.  It might be that they are disconnected from the location physically or otherwise and don’t know what is going on and in these cases you MIGHT be successful.  It is a very fine line to walk and not every situation warrants a conversation such as this.  I would highly recommend talking to a career or leadership coach before embarking on this type of conversation.  In the job that I shared about above, I did not bother to take it any further than my boss because I knew the place was not for me.  I have seen that the problems existed from the top down and I knew that I would not be successful in trying to change the place.

So, if these things fail or are not options, you just need to continue to focus on you.  You need to focus on doing the best possible job and being the best possible human being and therefore leader.  This may mean you move on to a new job or you start your own business in order to find something that is more aligned with your values.  This is the hard reality.  There is a lot of work to be done to grow stronger leaders and that work starts within.

There is so much ego tied up in so many leaders - it will be my life’s mission to create stronger, driven, emotionally intelligent leaders for our future.